Just posting for the kicks and giggles

Seriously. I did not intend on posting today.
I have a errands to run and people to see. I have English Country Dance tonight.
But.
It occurred to me that if I don't log on here - it might just freeze up or block me out... or unauthorize me or something. Twitter did something like that to me 'cuz I didn't tweet for like seven months.
So, I am alive.
I am working. Despite it only being half- time, with the kindness of my parents, I'm getting by.
I am relatively healthy.
I am (sorta) still blogging on my travel blog. I just posted a trip there about an hour ago.
I spend too much time on Facebook.
I stalk you my friends, believe me. Your blogs. Your twitter accounts. Your facebook photos. Your actual residences. I am watching you....every move you make, every breath you take....
Ok - not actually in that creepy kind of way, but I do more passive keeping up than active keeping in touch. Sadly.

Ok - gotta ride.

Confession

I have been blogging.

Just not here.

December 2012, when I got back from Kentucky, Horse Country, I started a Travel Blog and have been writing there anonymously, posting about twice a month. I am little surprised that the last post I made on this blog was almost a year ago. Unlike some people who stop writing on their blogs, I haven't stopped blogging or writing. Like others of you, I switched my publishing outlet. Being a loyal person, I feel compelled to keep this blog, but I'm not sure how I'll be using it. I not in Horse Country anymore after all.

If you want to follow my Travel Blog, message me or ask me for the address. I want it to stay mostly anonymous, so I'm not posting a link here.

You Can Say No.

Please don't ever feel obligated or obliged to be a reference for me. Feeling compelled to be a reference does not help the situation. Just coming from the, "Sure, I'll be your reference" side of things, I have gained a new perspective. Being or not being a reference does not prove our friendship one-way or the other.

(Please be aware before we go any further that I kinda ramble in this post.)

"You just need to check a few boxes." Yeah, that's all.

"It will just take a few minutes." Um, right.

"They might not even contact you." Sure. In my dreams they won't contact me.

There can be great pressure on the person acting as reference, especially if she takes it seriously. And isn't that what an applicant wants when listing references? Someone who will take being a reference seriously and give well-thought-out answers? Maybe I over think things, and if I didn’t, I wouldn't have felt such pressure. If it is simply an indication of OCD, please chuckle. If you over-think things too, commiserate with me.

Everyone has faults, and I am convinced that the questions concerning such issues on a reference questionnaire are the most difficult. The person reading the form doesn't know me or the applicant or our relationship. I want to know, how much do they care about an average person's average issues? How much weight do they give each references thoughts and opinions? Do they even really care about my answers? Yet the form challenges the reference to not fudge or over emphasize the applicant's issues and strengths, but to help give an accurate view of the person applying.

So, here I go at them. I easily get through the first few, like my name and how long I've known the applicant. Then I stop as questions pick at the answers forming in my mind. If I answer candidly, will I be understood? Do I need to use complete sentences or will fragments do?

Then pointed questions about character and accountability show up. Will what I say about her shortcomings negatively affect the possibility of her being selected? Should I glaze over them? Is that like the sin of omission? How honest is simply honest, and how honest is brutal? It needs to be said, but how can I say it tactfully? Will what I say about his strengths be enough to balance the statements concerning his issues? Am I being narcissistic here, thinking that my comments will be so influential? Are her issues that big of a deal? I decide I should use complete sentences, so I am clear, but the space given is never enough. They pose complicated to you and expect simple back. Is my frustration tainting my answers? I hope I'm not being passive aggressive in my answers.

Then there is the possibility of the applicant reading the reference form. That adds a whole other dimension to the issues aspect. The email said that it is completely confidential, but what if that means confidential within their office and at their discretion to whom reads it? What if some way, some how, he finds out what I wrote? Boy, am I suspicious. Would I say this, like this, if the applicant were reading? If I use that question as my standard, will I make my answers polite and considerate of her feelings? Should that matter?

These are a person's shortcomings we're talking about here! Many people are touchy when it comes to having them pointed out. Would he take offence at what I said? Would she interpret it as harsh or unkind? Would he feel I thwarted his dream? Would she judge it as an unnecessary thing for me to say?

I could go on. Oh, right – I did. For over an hour I did. That four-page reference form that I was to "just check a few boxes" and would "only take a few minutes" took over an hour. Oh, what to say and how to say it. I think I went crazy, or maybe it just revealed my crazy.

If I ask you to be a reference, you are always free to say no. No matter the reason, you can say, "I am sorry, but I'm not in a position to be a reference for you." Even if you eagerly agreed awhile back, if something compels you or changes your mind, you can back out.

We can be good friends, and should you feel that your thoughts, opinions or insight might put you in an awkward position when acting as a reference, you can refuse. Let me repeat, we can be good friends and you can refuse. Sure, you may not have any idea now why you might not be a good reference for me if we are truly friends, but it can happen. 

Believe me.

Life is good

Life is good.

The sun is shining. The road keeps winding through the prettiest country from Idaho to the Coast. I don't have anyone beside me. My troubles (kinda) behind me. I'm alive and I'm free - Oh, who wouldn't want to be me?

Those words do work for the tune. Trust me!

I am so thankful for the warm weather we've been having, for a low stress job, for money coming in (even though it goes out almost immediately!), supportive and encouraging friends, writing opportunities, potential horses in my future and hope in tomorrow.

Life has been up and down recently. Two days after my grandpa's funeral, I left again for Kentucky. This time for a friend's wedding (photos soon!). It was good to see her and other friends. Then I came back and started working again at Learning Palace. I finished my training days just before I left, so I came back to work as a regular team member.

While retail is not my "forever career", I am grateful for the work. My manager and coworkers are nice and the atmosphere doesn't drain me! The clientele are mostly teachers and parents. It is a friendly place to work. It can get harried sometimes, but nothing like Party Depot!

For example, we have a few play areas where children can keep themselves occupied while parents shop. This is great, but it encourages loitering. Lots of it. My favorite loiterers are the men who find a seat on one of our step stools or child size chairs, pull out the trusty iphone and sit there working on their thumbs muscles. Meanwhile, their adorable, monstrous children wreck havoc on the displays and play areas. In an attempt to draw the father's attention to present matters (like the two year old banging the Thomas Trains together in a potentially damaging way), I'll step up to him and with a smile ask, "Is there anything I can help you with?"

(Alert: This is my absolute FAVORITE response!)

"Oh, no. I'm not buying anything. We're just here while my wife shops at the market," he responds with a ho-hum smile.

Oh. I see.

Another harried moment was when the woman and her four little girls came in on the 100+ degree day. They were all dressed in swimsuits, each with various cover-ups, some covering more than others.

The rather large woman in a one piece swimsuit and shorts, no shirt, shoves the door open and bellows at my manger, "do you have a restroom? My girls have got to go!"

My 70-something year-old manager sighs and consents in her soft voice, "Yes. Let me get the key."

"My have girls have to go to the bathroom! Do you have one?" The lady demands.

"I said 'yes, I have to get the key' " reiterates my manager in a more firm voice before turning to me and instructing me to unlock it for them.

We have customer bathroom and we try to keep it only for customers. When it's children, we usually don't turn them away though.

"Oh - I didn't hear you," she says and then turns to follow me to the bathroom.

I unlock the door and the little girls shove past me. As soon as they are in, the door isn't yet shut, they scream, "Mom, turn on the light! It's dark!"

The next 5 or 10 minutes you hear the mom yelling at the kids in the bathroom and the kids yelling back. I tried not to hear what was said. One at a time, the girls come out. They are followed by a holler, "Go wait by the car!." None of the girls obey her. They find toys to mess with.

Finally they all are wrangled to the front door by mom and start leaving in an uproar. No acknowledgment or thanks. As the mom holds the door for the last child, I couldn't resist.

"You're welcome!" I hollered after them with a condescending smile and overly cheerful voice. The lady heard me. Looked surprised and responded with a rather quiet and almost confused sounding, "Thank you."

It was then that I noticed my manager looking surprised at me. She did not expect that from me, but she wasn't displeased either though! Ha!

Oh what peace we often forfeit

Oh what needless grief we bear

All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer. 

With my Grandpa entering Hospice on Thursday and the nurses estimating hours to days left for him, we went back up to Bellingham this past weekend. Even though we all said our 'good-byes' the Monday and Tuesday before, I think we all hoped to see him alive one more time. We did not know how soon his death was coming.

George Roger Teshera passed into sleep on Saturday May 31^st, 2014 at 12:04pm.

Our family delayed his body there at the Hospice House in Fairhaven until we arrived that evening. When we arrived the folks from mortuary were called. For about an hour we then had the opportunity to talk to my aunt and Grandma who both had been next to him, holding his hand, when breathed his last breath. My parents sat with my Grandma in his room and prayed. When it was time for his body to be taken away, they wrapped it in a flag and honored him with a soldier's goodbye.

I knew it, but didn't really understand it. Until you go through it, you really do not understand what it is like to lose a grandparent, parent, spouse or friend… And each death is different. When my maternal Grandpa died, it was different than this Grandpa's death. As I was much closer to Grandpa George, his passing has already been more difficult for me. I am unable to imagine the grief my dad and his siblings are experiencing. I'm praying for my Grandma, as she seems to be taking it well. I know I have had such ups and downs. I have felt regret and then peace. I have felt calm and then moments later, overwhelming grief. I have felt nothing and then great pain.

One very helpful insight came as I looked at my grandparents' most recent church directory photo, which was taken in November. It didn't feel like he was really gone. It felt reminiscent of the years he served as the Area Director of Asia Pacific Missions.

In that job he traveled often. Usually both he and my Grandma would go together, but sometimes he would go alone. He made three or so international trips a year and each could extend two or three weeks at a time. On those trips, he went to encourage active missionaries, deliver money to underground missions in closed or hostile areas, address leadership issues, preach, teach, pray, exhort and many other things. He went because God had called him to serve. Except for the dependable arrival of a postcard (I still have pretty much every one that he sent – about 100), we didn't hear from him. Traveling in much of Asia can still be risky, and we prayed for his safe travels and return. We knew that God was taking care of him and trusted we would see him again.

That is when it occurred to me that his passing really is like one of his trips. God called his spirit, and his spirit is with God. God is taking care of him, and I know we will see him again. It's just looks like it's gonna be a very long, long trip, and his presence here will be greatly missed.

Thank you for praying for my family and me.

 

 

Grandpa

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

 

Sunday night, as we stood around his bed holding hands, the hospital machines blinked and beeped. Even by his own admission, my Grandpa has never been a singer, but he has always loved to sing. With heart, lung and kidney issues, his body showed its weaknesses. As he was unable to sing, we sang for him.

 

With this eyes closed, his compulsive shifting and jerking, attempts to adjust his uncomfortable position, stilled. We kept singing, all of his favorite hymns, and then took turns praying aloud for him. He labored to contribute at the end, "Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord." We then said goodnight and left his room with mixed emotions. 

 

While my Grandpa is still living, he has been slowing down greatly. During the three days we spent with him, he showed signs of confusion and began refusing to eat. He talked very little and was in great pain. 

 

Thankfully my Grandpa is saved. He loves the Lord with all his heart, soul and mind, and he loves his neighbor as himself. He has loved and prayed daily for each of his three children, their spouses and his five grandchildren. He has served the Lord as a pastor, missionary, mentor, father, grandfather and other means. He has loved those around him in practical ways. (He's always been the guy that knows his neighbors and sends over his garden goods often. And offers prayer and God's love without being pushy.) He has been a servant of all.

 

The fact that Grandpa has been looking forward to God's call has made this time easier. My Grandpa has preached with passion of the second coming of our Lord and has focused his life around the immanent return of Christ. Although a relatively healthy until just about a week ago, he had been preparing for this time. In the more recent months he has passed on to family members important relics of his life in anticipation of his death. To my sister he gave a toy he had played with as a toddler. To me he gave his first Bible, the one with only one verse marked. To my cousin Jamie, he gave his ordination certificate. To my cousins Ian and Sam, items unknown to me.

 

When I left him on Tuesday, I gave him a hug, which he returned with a kiss on my head.

"Iloveyou," toothlessly he said with obvious difficulty. 

"I love you too. It's been good to see you Grandpa! I've got to go, but I'll see you later. Make a good recovery, alright? Bye."

As I left, I felt at peace. I thought I might burst out crying, but as I walked out of that room, I was okay. Certainly not a sunshine and daisies kind of peace, but I knew that if he died before I saw him again in this life, it was ok. I would see him again, when Christ returns.

 

Last night my aunt decided to put him in a Hospice House. How much longer we have my Grandpa, I don't know. I'll be going up to visit him again this weekend. 

 

At this time I'm really praying for my dad. He is being so strong for his mom, sister and the rest of us. It cannot be easy for him.

A few photos... a picture's worth a thousand words, right?

Maple Syrup "Shots" Wednesday night

Meeting and riding Chance Thursday morning

Friday lunch at the Chinese restaurant in Wilmore.



Ruth's history presentation...

Chelsea's Gatsby! Love the quirky ear!

Atlas!!! Boy I missed this puppy!

Kid's vaulting group with Becky!

 

Saturday brunch at the caf - an my last meal there...

My first roommate - Julia! So proud of her! She overcame so much to earn this degree.

One of the best friends the Asbury Equine program has, Annie B. with a good friend Mary!

My favorite Asbury prof - good ol' Dr. B!

Tristan, James and Siegfred, three amigos, Moe, Larry and Curly...  

 

"Hi Mom!" Selfie I sent to remind my mom what I looked like on Mother's Day! ;-)

Highbridge

KY River Gorge trail ride

Diesel's ears

Roommate reunion! Best roommates a girl could ask for! I lucked out!

 

Laurie & Wesley! Sweet Wesley!

Tuesday - finally HOME! PDX carpet!