You Can Say No.

Please don't ever feel obligated or obliged to be a reference for me. Feeling compelled to be a reference does not help the situation. Just coming from the, "Sure, I'll be your reference" side of things, I have gained a new perspective. Being or not being a reference does not prove our friendship one-way or the other.

(Please be aware before we go any further that I kinda ramble in this post.)

"You just need to check a few boxes." Yeah, that's all.

"It will just take a few minutes." Um, right.

"They might not even contact you." Sure. In my dreams they won't contact me.

There can be great pressure on the person acting as reference, especially if she takes it seriously. And isn't that what an applicant wants when listing references? Someone who will take being a reference seriously and give well-thought-out answers? Maybe I over think things, and if I didn’t, I wouldn't have felt such pressure. If it is simply an indication of OCD, please chuckle. If you over-think things too, commiserate with me.

Everyone has faults, and I am convinced that the questions concerning such issues on a reference questionnaire are the most difficult. The person reading the form doesn't know me or the applicant or our relationship. I want to know, how much do they care about an average person's average issues? How much weight do they give each references thoughts and opinions? Do they even really care about my answers? Yet the form challenges the reference to not fudge or over emphasize the applicant's issues and strengths, but to help give an accurate view of the person applying.

So, here I go at them. I easily get through the first few, like my name and how long I've known the applicant. Then I stop as questions pick at the answers forming in my mind. If I answer candidly, will I be understood? Do I need to use complete sentences or will fragments do?

Then pointed questions about character and accountability show up. Will what I say about her shortcomings negatively affect the possibility of her being selected? Should I glaze over them? Is that like the sin of omission? How honest is simply honest, and how honest is brutal? It needs to be said, but how can I say it tactfully? Will what I say about his strengths be enough to balance the statements concerning his issues? Am I being narcissistic here, thinking that my comments will be so influential? Are her issues that big of a deal? I decide I should use complete sentences, so I am clear, but the space given is never enough. They pose complicated to you and expect simple back. Is my frustration tainting my answers? I hope I'm not being passive aggressive in my answers.

Then there is the possibility of the applicant reading the reference form. That adds a whole other dimension to the issues aspect. The email said that it is completely confidential, but what if that means confidential within their office and at their discretion to whom reads it? What if some way, some how, he finds out what I wrote? Boy, am I suspicious. Would I say this, like this, if the applicant were reading? If I use that question as my standard, will I make my answers polite and considerate of her feelings? Should that matter?

These are a person's shortcomings we're talking about here! Many people are touchy when it comes to having them pointed out. Would he take offence at what I said? Would she interpret it as harsh or unkind? Would he feel I thwarted his dream? Would she judge it as an unnecessary thing for me to say?

I could go on. Oh, right – I did. For over an hour I did. That four-page reference form that I was to "just check a few boxes" and would "only take a few minutes" took over an hour. Oh, what to say and how to say it. I think I went crazy, or maybe it just revealed my crazy.

If I ask you to be a reference, you are always free to say no. No matter the reason, you can say, "I am sorry, but I'm not in a position to be a reference for you." Even if you eagerly agreed awhile back, if something compels you or changes your mind, you can back out.

We can be good friends, and should you feel that your thoughts, opinions or insight might put you in an awkward position when acting as a reference, you can refuse. Let me repeat, we can be good friends and you can refuse. Sure, you may not have any idea now why you might not be a good reference for me if we are truly friends, but it can happen. 

Believe me.